under my pussy cat
at least you aren’t in itArchive for depression
I’m Lost at Sea
“This lonesliness suites me quite well, don’t you think?”. I heard Leah Dizon say that in her song “Lost at Sea” off her new album, “Communication!!!”. It really made me think about myself, my personality and my image. I thought for a bit, “is that me?”, “am i that person?’. Do I come off as that person who seems to enjoy loneliness? Do I just repress it to the point where I think I hate it even though I don’t? Regardless of what thoughts I think, I don’t think it’s true. I got up and walked out of my room, down the hall way. Still thinking, I went to my bed and slept …
EXPLANATION AFTER THE BREAK
for some dumb reason …
Gina’s mom won’t let her sleep over my house. Isn’t it a bit weird that she said she can fend for herself yet she is preventing her from doing what she wants? I think, in my opinion, it is purely out of spite.
If I was her, I know I wouldn’t want to stay there …
I would probably go insane.
Well, I hope they settle their problems becuase I don’t want to see someone i’ve known for so long in pain.
I’ve realized my loneliness
Not only do I feel romantic loneliness, but also loneliness regarding friendship. My friends Veronica, Juliet and Matt all moved into their college either today or yesterday, and the chances of me talking to them-let alone seeing them-is very slim anymore.
Many-and I mean many- of my other good friends are also starting college. Colleen, Katelyn, and even more. The worst thing about it, and yet also the best for them, is that they are all going to really good colleges. Seton Hall, NYU … all good colleges, all of them.
I’m feeling so lonely right now it’s not even funny. I don’t have that many trustworthy friends left.
But I have to remain strong. I mean, I still need to finish high school. I’m going to be a sophomore, this is no time to be sad.
No matter what pain you may feel
No matter what lonesliness may come
You mustn’t close your eyes to it
(Ayumi Hamasaki ; SURREAL)
a poem i wrote, ‘all in vain’
I don’t really know if anybody here knows this, but I’m very fond if writing. Here is a poem while In a very dark mood. That being said, the poem is kind of dark also. Basically, the story was the fact that I found a guy who I really liked a lot. I didn’t pursue mainly because there were just tons of conflicting circumstances where it couldn’t work, and I was depressed about that. Although, I am ok now. :3
‘all in vain’
These thoughts that are floating in my mind
These feelings that are flowing out my heart
The love that I have was hard to find
I lost my happiness, although just a part
The search was unbearable
Yet the pain was worth it
And now, the happiness is real
But the love is useless
a friend’s distress
my friend Gina and my cousin Becky (who happen to be best friends) are sleeping over my house today. It’s because the can’t stay at Becky’s and Gina is too depressed to go back home. Her mom had yelled at Gina and her brother and stormed out of the house, saying “I’m tired of Vinnie always yellnig at me, Mika always asking me for money, and you always asking me for rides, I can’t take it any more!” and stormed out of the house.
She also said “Mike is 18, I’m leaving, he can take care of you. You can fend for yourselves!”. Gina started running out of the house crying, while Mike was also bawling, with Gina saying “Just abandon us like dad did!” Gina’s father had did years earlier. Gina ended up gonig to her neighbor Kimba’s house, but called Becky and me, because we have been best friends since we were all seriously about two years old, so yeah. She needs her best friends.
I will update you on this.
Wow, Waste of Time.
My Worst
I’m feeling more depressed right now than I normally am. All I really want, honestly, is a boyfriend. I’ve never had one before, probably, in my opinion, becuase I’m not cute. But that isn’t the point.
In the entire world, that’s the only thing I want.
In the entire world, that’s the only thing it seems I can’t have.
I’m sure it’s because I have someone like you and we understand each other
That I can overcome anything
So just hold me and don’t ever let me go
(Namie Amuro ; I WILL)
That’s what I want …
I’m not sure why, but it really just seems like I shouldn’t be allowed to have a boyfriend. And my friends, when I get depressed, just seem to ignore what I have to say.
Four Scenes of Love and Laughter
I’ll be alright being alone
(Namie Amuro ; Four Seasons)
This song, I can’t really relate to … It shows exactly how I don’t feel. I can’t be alone … I hate it. I hate having nobody I can be completely and totally honest with. I hate the fact that there’s nobody I can tell everything.
I just want somebody I can hold and someone to hold me. Someone I can support and someone who cna support me. Someone I can love, and who can love me.
That’s really, in the entire world, all I want …
I started crying before. I just couldn’t stop the tears from overflowing, and my friends aren’t helping in the least. The only things they say are either stupid and completely unreleated, or they just say stuff that doesn’t help. Either that or they ignore me completely.
I wonder what it is about me that everyone hates?
I escaped from the reality
Escaped from all the pain
I said to myself
“I’ll be my ideal self some day
Though I’m far from that now”
After such excuses, my eyes were opened
What I could do was only to live in the present time
(Ayumi Hamasaki ; walking proud)
